is it just me...?

or less cravings today? As in, almost none.

Even getting Jude a totally frosted frosting chocolate thick with sugar and pretty sprinkles and more frosting frosted over everything didn't have me frosting at the mouth...

Wait a second. But. Frosting is my downfall. My everyallrything.

I'm not sure I want to lose my taste for frosting. But...

but I hate baking

But I figured I could try something... a diy since I always mess up the ingredients anyway. So:

Buckwheat flower
apple sauce
fresh raspberries
soy milk
one banana
sliced almonds
baking soda

Muffin tin
350 for 30 minutes

Crossing fingers...

not bad. Sort of sweet...

Cheating

So everyone's coming down on me for not really not eating sugar.

But it's honey, I say, topping my Fage.

That's sugar, Ma says. Same thing.

Back me up here, honey, I tell TCF, but he agrees with Granny.

"Yup, that granola's got 17g of sugar," Granny says, pushing the bag at me.

"But it's like one pinch I'm adding. Right Doggy? That doesn't count."

TCF answers with a laugh, trying not to take sides. He is humoring me, along with everyone else. Everyone else who knows I've been a sugar addict since in utero.

If the entire point is to sit with the cravings and not give in, well, yes, I've done well with chocolate and Soy Delicious and frozen yoghurt... those have been some intense cravings that I've waded through. But, does it not count if I still have my daily usuals? It's not like I want to freebase honey and granola the way I want to with chocolate. Do I sound like an addict now?

But some of my best friends are honey and granola...

too sweet? What?

made Smoothies for everyone after lunch:

frozen blueberries
fresh blueberries
bananan and a half
ice
soy milk
about 7 strawberries

blend blend blend grind

This I was looking forward to, a little sweet fix.

It was too sweet. I had to give the rest to TCF.

fancy chocolate cake

dropped by a family thing at Calhoun Beach Club for about a half hour. Fancy. Fancy flowers, fancy folks, fancy chocolate layer cake. Jude and Noah took their very large double slices on the fancy balcony and ate with glee.  They didn't notice, but I watched the them the entire time.

A beautiful fancy moment.

the levity of anticipation

last night and today some depression and malaise moved in ... what? not a single bite of chocolate all day long? It's a very long day...

"Jude, wanna go get some ice—" Oops.

"Jude, should we go over to Dunn Bros and get a cook—" Er...

Maybe watching him eat it will be good enough.

Sugar and treats are everywhere. They prop up our world.

from a student

"hang in there with the sugar...your addict is going crazy!! Be kind but firm with that beautiful little girl."


Gosh, that makes me wanna cry.

I came across (really) a pack of sugar free Juicy Fruit of Jude's. Jubilation.

sluggish

can this sluggish one step out of sync vibe really be the absence of dark chocolate? That little jolt of adrenalin? Of optimism? That shot of alignment? Just one M+ M... would that right the frame?

No... it's never one. But two... I could be okay with two.

okay... but what's here? what other sweetness is here now sans chocolate?

Friday Writers coming

do I still put out the M+M's? of course I do...

will I ever not begin tasting sweets in my mouth first thing in the morning?

Craving abating, but not anywhere near gone.

What's with the snow? Snow goes with hot chocolate and cake for god sakes. WTF?

Good Earth good, but...

A planet burger. A lemonade green drink, all natural. Leaving the Galleria a half hour later I tell Ma, "but the problem is I'm already hungry."

"Really?" she says.

But there are genetics. She goes right for Jude's ice cream sandwiches when we get home. Wish I could join you, really wish I could. You have no idea how much...

Now, I'm going to have a handful of Raisin Bran and go night night and have some very sweet dreams.

where do you crave it in your body?

TCF asked me that last night. It was the tenth time at least that day when I asked him, "can I have some sugar now?" as in "do I really have to do this?"

"Where do you crave it in your body? In your mouth?"

Yes. Exactly. What an amazing question. I never thought about it before. Where in my body? Well...everywhere, naturally... but to specify... in my mouth. That blew me away, no pun intended, but I have no idea why.

 So now I must sit with this craving in my mouth.

Chazaricide

Chazari. I heard it repeatedly when I begged for sugar or sweets. My dad, a doctor, a broken Yiddish record, was unyielding. "Charazi! Roxanne!"

In other words,  no. It's junk. It's rotten. No way.

Can we go to McDonalds?

Chazari!

Dad! Guess what I got on Halloween? Full sized Hershey Bars!

Chazari!

Dad... please? Can we get Twinkies?

Chazari!

Not that he was extreme or scary, but his opinion was known deep in my bones; every time I crossed that line, I knew I was committing chazaricide.